My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
