i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
