i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i dont even know how to be here
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize