I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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