My boss' voice literally gives me gas
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Randomize