is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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