Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize