I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
My life is pants optional.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize