I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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