my sisters under your porch take her home
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
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