I seem to have left my pride at pride
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Randomize
