Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
