My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
this hospital has no fireball
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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