Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
