he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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