Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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