I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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