So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
