"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
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