the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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