My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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