we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
