I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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