i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
