oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
