paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
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