When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
