i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I am midnight drunk by noon
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
