God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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