His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
