I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
