high people should be assigned attendants
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
