her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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