So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
