My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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