I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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