i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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