yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
