Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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