My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
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