Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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