put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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