You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
