Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
