Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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