the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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