So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Dignity is for republicans.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
