Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
