Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
