Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
he just fucked me for my cheese.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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