Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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