I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
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