My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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