The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
