from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
