The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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