Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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