True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Randomize
