You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Randomize
